I have decided to write down and share some personal information with everyone who like to read this. It is a personal story but besides that it will also change the upcoming Dia de los Muertos CAL and all further work as well. So, if you are participating in my wonderful CAL which I feel is loved by many, please read this as well to know what to expect.
The last months I have had hard times. Of course, a part of this is out in the open as many of you witnessed what happened to the Spice Market CAL, but besides that there were a lot of things happening in private life as well which completely consumed me. It took my energy and spirit away and I felt I had to make choices which would result in a healthy life situation once again. I decided to give up my Scheepjes collaboration due the fact I couldn’t work up the deadlines and amounts of stress involved from my side, but I also made a lot of decisions in private life. One of them was to move to a new place. All those choices have been made to get back to my old self and be able to enjoy everything life has to offer once again.
Many months later and with a huge break from designing, I thought I was there. I have rest, a new home, new energy and actually everything I could wish for at the moment. And yet there is that feeling I failed and getting more down each day we proceed. I tried to fill this empty feeling by picking up my hook and find relief in the design process once again. I must confess it has helped me here and there, there is already a pile of work here with all kinds of new stuff waiting for all of you – the first of it was the Dia de los Muertos. But of course, crochet can’t take away all problems.
I am trying to go on and on but at a certain moment your mind isn’t stronger than your body. The body will send out a message all systems are red and in danger. This is what happened to me last week when all lights turned out. And that was the message I needed because if it didn’t happen I probably would have pushed myself forward on and on. So officially I am in a burn-out and depression at the same time at the moment we speak. And it is hard to write it down, say it out loud. I feel ashamed to say this and the confession I need to ask for professional help. But first step to solve this is doing this and also be honest to each and everyone who is expecting something from me. And that is where the upcoming CAL is something I like to talk about.
I am not going to cancel the CAL as most of the work is already done from my side. But with no sleep, a body that doesn’t work as it should be and a troubled mind you can imagine it will be hard to host this CAL with full potential. Crocheting and writing down patterns is a thing that ease my mind but everything around it only brings me restless moments. Especially if there would be any negativity involved. So, I will upload the parts of the CAL on the accorded dates of the timeline for this CAL. All stays as prepared. But….as I stated I would support and help anyone who had trouble with the pattern, I can no longer make up this promise. I said to send me a private message when help was needed as I didn’t want to use a FB group once again for this CAL, I am sorry to announce I cannot live up to this promise. I have closed off the private message sections on my social media so I am no longer available to chat in person. I know some of you are more new to crochet and in doubt if they can master this CAL. But, with the Spice Market CAL it was the same and in the end many of you succeeded on their own and found the pattern extremely clear and easy to follow. Well, for the Dia de los Muertos it will be the same and so I trust in my own skills of pattern writing. If you really, really, really can’t get any further once we have started the CAL, you can send me an email through this website with a question. But I will answer them on my own time and when I feel to it. This is the most important news for our upcoming Dia de los Muertos CAL. And writing this down makes me feel like once again I fail to host a CAL properly or have one without once again making a situation out of it. But hosting it and breaking myself even further down isn’t an option any longer. In fact it made me aware this is the last time I will host a CAL. I also trust people will help each other in this CAL as this is the ground rule with crochet a longs I guess. Doing something together.
How further ? Well, last time I said to take some time off as i was convinced in some months I would recharge myself. This time I feel it might take years to overcome this whole thing and probably not find any of the old version of myself back once more. As said before, crocheting is the one and only thing that gives some comfort and rest. And as I hardly crochet any other patterns these days but most of the time create stuff on my own, I intend to keep doing this even in these difficult times. I feel this is the only thing left in my life that gives me hope and a certain feeling of trust and so i need it.
So, in the next months I will upload here and there sometimes a new pattern which is ready to get out to the world. But without many language options or many promotions from my side. It will be just uploaded and with a simple announcement. I will not react to any comments any longer and I will not start any new big events after the Dia de los Muertos CAL is done. One of the tasks I have been given by professional help is to maintain a rhythm in my life to prevent worse things happening and so I will keep posting things here and there in the future due the fact it already was a part of my rhythm in daily life.
Last thing to say is actually the most important one. I have always tried to use my talent and creativity for a good cause and to let enjoy people from it. I have always tried to be as honest as possible and to send out positivity and words of love in this world which most of the time is already a dark place, even if your mental state is fine. Sometimes I feel my talent has made me do things just to belong somewhere or to entertain people, to be a part of something. If someone else has success or luck, you want the same thing so you work and try as hard to accomplish the same. And once you have it, it is the competition to keep it. But at all times I felt I used my talent and creativity to create patterns that have been worth it as they were made with a thought and deeper connection from my side. Although it has brought me a lot of pain and negativity, there also was joy and happiness out of it. Please don’t judge my words and message. I have thoughtabout it a few days if I would write this post down as it is a very vunerable thing to do. But on the other side I feel putting this out in the open is maybe one of the steps I have to take to also admit it to myself. There are many out there with mental problems and most important thing to know is that most of the time these problems are created through situations we don’t even choose to take part in. They just happen and many years later you have to deal with all the little things that were buried deep away in your soul. So please, be gentle and understand what I am trying to write down here.
Even if you feel sorry after reading this, I would please ask to not send me emails or messages as I don’t want a overload of those. It only gives me even more tension to keep up with everything. Sometimes silence can even be more comforting rather then some kind words.
Til next time my crochet friends. Take care.