Reflecting choices…

The last months most of the posts i write are happy, positive and related to something fun like a pattern release or a announcement regarding something new. However, the end of last year and the beginning of this year weren’t the prettiest times in my life. I shared some moments with you in the posts i wrote about it.

I came out of it as a stronger person and took lessons out of it. I changed things in my life and i really felt the path was set for a better walk in life this time. But along the months came i realized the path i was walking on was losing bricks, it went into a sand path and along the way i did take a wrong turn and ended up lost. I think this is the best way to describe this feeling. I’m standing on a crossroad not knowing which way to turn at this moment…and besides that i’m standing in a dark wood where no star is shining above me in the dark night. The best metaphor i can give you and which describes perfectly how my thoughts are. And it hurts, cause when i read the previous posts of last year i see again i did end up doing the same things.

This weekend i actually had to leave for a vacation to South Africa. I would travel around there and my goal was to enjoy some time off, to relax and most of all to get my thoughts in perspective as it would be the perfect moment for it…as being in a unknown envirement and without communication in reach of your hand it is the best moment to reflect your thoughts. But unfortunately last week i got an accident. Helping out a older woman who fell on the floor, i torned my meniscus in half by lifting here and putting my leg in a wrong position. This means i can’t bow my knee anymore and it will take more then three months to recover, and if not it means surgery. So i had to cancel my vacation as it isnt an option to even get on a plane right now. A real hard thing to do as i had so much hope to get back in a better shape.

So this dissapointing side thing besides a already troubled mind is even harder getting myself through the day. Thats why i decide to take some time off for a few weeks. I really need to get all my thoughts in order as i feel i get more irritated and confused by the day. I work so hard to try and accomplish a place in this big world and it seems how hard i try, others flourish and i’ll stay behind. I again set myself aside and crochet like a mad men sometimes just putting myself out there, but in the end you realize your just a number and you really don’t matter. It has always been a fact if you have the looks, the best output to a large audience and the favor of luck, you have a succesfull life….where others keep working their bones off, keep struggling and never come to a moment of true recognition. In the end people mostly like you as they know your talent can create money. Look on how many artists get their amount of fame and recognition after their dead. But in life nobody took notice of it.

One of the thoughts i really have to overcome. Is this what i want ? I discovered a talent for designing patterns but what did it brought me ? Two times a depression, a feeling of being used and taking advantage of me in different ways, the habit of turning into a machine when it comes to crafting, defending myself against each opinion out there and being loyal in everyway possible…. and for what ? Just a moment of fame or a publication ? Or a huge liked post on social media ?  Is it really all worth it ? Even if you think you gave all, put hours of work in something and see others get all the credit for even less input. It is a hard thing to overcome…i can tell you that.

But….there is one positive thing i can write down. As the above photo says….when dark and light begin to touch is where miracles begin to happen. One thing i did see happen in these months when the dark and lighter moments are changing each other off like the seasons, is that beautiful ideas are being created. The best ideas and patterns came out of these moments and so it isnt all for nothing. Thats what i try to think when i get really depressed. And thats why i’m sure there will be born something new and amazing out of this depth as well.

In the end i still have to thank each and everyone of you who support me. I have a wonderful team of translators and testers gathered around over the last months and they really got my back. So a huge thanks to them. But most of you are amazing, all the comments and reactions you all give me keeps me going on with what i do. And it gives me confidence that i might make it even further on my own in the future. I always have been convinced that your skills have to be highlighted, not you as a person or just your face. And over the last two years it has worked as i feel my work is apprecciated by so many and most of my patterns turned out fine and well accepted. Thank you for that ! Thank you for believing in what i do and for embracing ideas i work out in yarn.

Well as i said, i need some time off. So i won’t be that much around on social media the upcoming time. I probably will post something here and there like an announcement or update as there are still some things in progress or scheduled for release. Of course you can also contact me about orders or pattern questions, however it can take some time for me to answer. I will be back, don’t worry but i feel i need to be clear and honest about this. It is not the end, but i need to maintain my health and make right decisions for a new path. It feels like being back on the same point as last year and i have to do something with this returning cyclus. Last year i opened my honest thoughts with a story about Wink. Many of you who knew here reached out to me and said to understand me or comfort me that i wasn’t like her. And still i keep seeing here in front of me when these moments are here…telling to take lessons out of her choices. Thats not just for nothing, even if people tell me it isn’t like that. It makes me remind that if i keep going on like this things will take a different direction one day as i cant keep up working myself back out of situations and recognize moments where it went wrong. I dont have the energy for that left and it would be not learning from mistakes made but staying in that position and pushing myself under the surface.

Wish you all the best for know…. will be back soon !

10 Comments

  1. Your work is bringing me such joy currently. I love the colours and patterns and I can’t wait to put my tiles together. We have tiles all over the world that join together to support you. Listen to this, not the negatives, and ask for professional support when you are overwhelmed. It really can help.

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  2. Hi life Can be a struggle !
    I completly undestand what you are going through.
    Just as you believe being out of the Woods and a little thing or many Can in a split second bring you back fast as a rocket.
    I dont have your skills but i know the feeling to feel different and always wonder How other just stroll through life not reflecting and sleep Well No matter How much injustice unfairness they brought to others.
    Hidden agendas that opens bit by bit and i get confused starting to blaime myself . Questioning myself !
    To be born whit Conscience honesty being caring giving and sensitiv always Attracts the wrong ppl into your life.
    Im 63 years old and still havent figured out How to awoid those because they are clever and im naive.!
    I hope your leg recover fast and your soul too.
    And you are an inspiration to me whit your work The color choices are always stunning.
    Take all the time you need im sure ppl that really appriciate you will stay around πŸ™Œ
    Best wishes from πŸ‡©πŸ‡°

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  3. Nogmaals heel veel sterkte gewenst met je herstel! Ik zou graag willen dat ik iets voor je kan doen, mocht dat zo zijn: laat het me weten! Hopelijk schijnt de zon weer snel voor je! Liefs, Hetty

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  4. First of all, please get help for your depression. See your GP and get a referral to a therapist. Depression is the biggest mind fuck there is because it feels so real and that is the danger of it. Your thoughts and feelings are being hijacked. Seconly, as Matthieu Ricard says, ‘comparison is the killer of happiness.’ (https://www.gq.com/story/happiest-man-in-the-world-matthieu-ricard) Create your own personal world in which you are happy with what you do and who you are, regardless of what others accomplish or seem to be. Wishing you strength, clarity and the courage to seek help.

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  5. You are much appreciated. I am sorry you have been taken advantage of. How kind of you to help the lady up at your own expense. I have torn both knees. One had surgery and one just healed on it’s own. Both took a long while but about equal really. Retreating until you feel better is a wise choice. I wish you well.

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  6. Hi Man with a hook,
    I was looking for you to ask you a question about the The Medina mosaic tiles pattern. I purchased this pattern and completed all the tiles. I don’t understand how you sewed them together.

    β€œTurn to the backside of the tiles and make a sl st through the inner loops of both sides. In this way you will leave the outer loops unworked and it will close like a zipper.”
    I’m so lost can you please help”?

    When I first saw the picture of the colorful tiles, I had to have this pattern.
    It is gorgeous! You have wonderful taste in color and design.
    You have a gift. I cannot for the life of me create anything. Ive tried. Thank God for you and others who have this gift. I depend on you for these beautiful patterns. When I’m finished with this one, I will be buying more of your patterns.

    I read your above blog. I wished I could help you.
    I think maybe, if you have surgery on your knee, you will be on your way to recovery. Physically and mentally.
    Maybe do other things for a while. Something less stressful and relaxed.
    Give your brain a vacation. Do something for you. No one else. I was told once, β€œOnly you can make yourself happy”. Surround yourself with cheerfulness and happy people. Good luck and happiness in your future.
    You are not Wink. Maybe similar because you 2 have a common interests.
    You are loved.
    Take care.
    Carla

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