Reflecting choices…

The last months most of the posts i write are happy, positive and related to something fun like a pattern release or a announcement regarding something new. However, the end of last year and the beginning of this year weren’t the prettiest times in my life. I shared some moments with you in the posts i wrote about it.

I came out of it as a stronger person and took lessons out of it. I changed things in my life and i really felt the path was set for a better walk in life this time. But along the months came i realized the path i was walking on was losing bricks, it went into a sand path and along the way i did take a wrong turn and ended up lost. I think this is the best way to describe this feeling. I’m standing on a crossroad not knowing which way to turn at this moment…and besides that i’m standing in a dark wood where no star is shining above me in the dark night. The best metaphor i can give you and which describes perfectly how my thoughts are. And it hurts, cause when i read the previous posts of last year i see again i did end up doing the same things.

This weekend i actually had to leave for a vacation to South Africa. I would travel around there and my goal was to enjoy some time off, to relax and most of all to get my thoughts in perspective as it would be the perfect moment for it…as being in a unknown envirement and without communication in reach of your hand it is the best moment to reflect your thoughts. But unfortunately last week i got an accident. Helping out a older woman who fell on the floor, i torned my meniscus in half by lifting here and putting my leg in a wrong position. This means i can’t bow my knee anymore and it will take more then three months to recover, and if not it means surgery. So i had to cancel my vacation as it isnt an option to even get on a plane right now. A real hard thing to do as i had so much hope to get back in a better shape.

So this dissapointing side thing besides a already troubled mind is even harder getting myself through the day. Thats why i decide to take some time off for a few weeks. I really need to get all my thoughts in order as i feel i get more irritated and confused by the day. I work so hard to try and accomplish a place in this big world and it seems how hard i try, others flourish and i’ll stay behind. I again set myself aside and crochet like a mad men sometimes just putting myself out there, but in the end you realize your just a number and you really don’t matter. It has always been a fact if you have the looks, the best output to a large audience and the favor of luck, you have a succesfull life….where others keep working their bones off, keep struggling and never come to a moment of true recognition. In the end people mostly like you as they know your talent can create money. Look on how many artists get their amount of fame and recognition after their dead. But in life nobody took notice of it.

One of the thoughts i really have to overcome. Is this what i want ? I discovered a talent for designing patterns but what did it brought me ? Two times a depression, a feeling of being used and taking advantage of me in different ways, the habit of turning into a machine when it comes to crafting, defending myself against each opinion out there and being loyal in everyway possible…. and for what ? Just a moment of fame or a publication ? Or a huge liked post on social media ?  Is it really all worth it ? Even if you think you gave all, put hours of work in something and see others get all the credit for even less input. It is a hard thing to overcome…i can tell you that.

But….there is one positive thing i can write down. As the above photo says….when dark and light begin to touch is where miracles begin to happen. One thing i did see happen in these months when the dark and lighter moments are changing each other off like the seasons, is that beautiful ideas are being created. The best ideas and patterns came out of these moments and so it isnt all for nothing. Thats what i try to think when i get really depressed. And thats why i’m sure there will be born something new and amazing out of this depth as well.

In the end i still have to thank each and everyone of you who support me. I have a wonderful team of translators and testers gathered around over the last months and they really got my back. So a huge thanks to them. But most of you are amazing, all the comments and reactions you all give me keeps me going on with what i do. And it gives me confidence that i might make it even further on my own in the future. I always have been convinced that your skills have to be highlighted, not you as a person or just your face. And over the last two years it has worked as i feel my work is apprecciated by so many and most of my patterns turned out fine and well accepted. Thank you for that ! Thank you for believing in what i do and for embracing ideas i work out in yarn.

Well as i said, i need some time off. So i won’t be that much around on social media the upcoming time. I probably will post something here and there like an announcement or update as there are still some things in progress or scheduled for release. Of course you can also contact me about orders or pattern questions, however it can take some time for me to answer. I will be back, don’t worry but i feel i need to be clear and honest about this. It is not the end, but i need to maintain my health and make right decisions for a new path. It feels like being back on the same point as last year and i have to do something with this returning cyclus. Last year i opened my honest thoughts with a story about Wink. Many of you who knew here reached out to me and said to understand me or comfort me that i wasn’t like her. And still i keep seeing here in front of me when these moments are here…telling to take lessons out of her choices. Thats not just for nothing, even if people tell me it isn’t like that. It makes me remind that if i keep going on like this things will take a different direction one day as i cant keep up working myself back out of situations and recognize moments where it went wrong. I dont have the energy for that left and it would be not learning from mistakes made but staying in that position and pushing myself under the surface.

Wish you all the best for know…. will be back soon !