In loving memory…Tineke…

This will probably be one of the hardest posts I have written in a long time, but I want to write the words down to share, acknowledge, and memorize a beautiful person who has left our shores to shine bright in a sky full of stars.

A few weeks ago, I received the news that my dear friend Tineke was suddenly moved to the hospital. Her last words written to me were, “To the hospital…it doesn’t look good”. From that moment on, I knew things would change. Sometimes you have a feeling that something is wrong with someone you know, you feel it, you can see the little hints woven between the pattern around someone’s behaviour. The moment that message came to me, that feeling made sense, and things went very fast from that moment on.

Let me first start by saying something about Tineke. Many who follow my work, make a pattern from my hand, or purchase a book or magazine might know Tineke Tap. She has been my tester and co-writer over the past 8 years and has made almost any pattern I created. Her name constantly pops up in the colophon, or I show her version of a pattern on my social media. Which started off as a connection for testing patterns and became a solid friendship. We had a 100% trust base, which made us share a lot of personal stuff. We supported each other during the highs and lows, and although Tineke’s life hadn’t been easy at all, she was a solid rock on which to lean. It amazed me more than once that the connection between a 30-year-old kid and a 60-year-old woman could be so fluid and natural.

During the last few years, she helped me a lot. Her comments and precision of checking patterns were sharp, and the results getting back to me didn’t lie. She was always sharp as a knife – and what you get is what you see. I appreciated that, and it made working and being together much more straightforward and lighter. She found so much joy in crafting, and it took her out of her heavy thoughts many times. We shared a samelike passion for the Dutch shores – and I never forget the joy she experienced crocheting and testing the Seaside Serendipity pattern. Although we had that theme in common, I also made it a little for her as I knew she loved it so much.

And now, getting back to where I started, I’ve noticed things around Tineke lately. She had darker days, and no matter what you said or did, it didn’t change. Her spirit for crafting was floating away, and she endured a lot of physical pain. With the message I received about four weeks ago, I knew things were definitely not okay.

As I write in a memorizing way, you probably already expect the hard news that Tineke has passed away. Yesterday evening, she closed her eyes for the last time. Four weeks ago, an aggressive form of cancer was found in her body, and now, three weeks later, there is an end. Although the idea of her being free of pain is a relief, still this all happened way too fast and soon. She retired a month ago to enjoy her days of age and has never had the chance to enjoy them. Not to mention how long she has carried a burden of pain and being unwell in silence.

Tineke didn’t have many friends or family around her, and maybe that is also why I think she deserves a permanent place — even if it isn’t touchable. I created a memorial page for her on my website. Too many people leave us without any recognition or naming. If I can make a change for the people around me, then it is the least I can do.

Of course, there are many new pattern works to be released. Over time, Tineke and I have worked to build up a little pile of patterns to give ourselves the space and freedom to not feel rushed, hasted, or crochet so fast our hands could keep up. For that reason, for the next months to next year, Tineke will still be named in my patterns. She only didn’t finish the last test on a very large project.

To honor Tineke as a person and friend, I will succeed in this last large project in her name. When the time is there in the next year, Tineke will be reminded of what she did best – crocheting. Our crafting community contains millions of people, yet we all feel connected through one common theme. Tineke herself would now have said…”don’t be a fool, way too much honor. Let’s be realistic and continue on”. But in my opinion, the best way to honor Tineke is to give her the one thing that has kept her on track over the last few years – crocheting.

Dear Tineke, you will be missed. It feels like a vast space that can’t be filled has opened up. I open up my Whatsapp conversations with you, reading through our lines, realizing this is now a memory, not an actual conversation. You made a change – even if it is a little one. I take comfort in the idea you are now with your loved ones you had to miss for a long time – and we will continue on. But there is also a moment to grieve, remember, and cherish. Over the next year, those last three words will always be by my side when publishing new work. Thank you for being you!

The day I received Tineke’s last message, a song was also released that has never left my mind since. Today, it has found its purpose. I leave it for her as well.