Finding Balance…

It is time to write an update about my personal life today. It has been a while since I wrote a post about how i have to deal with a depression and a burn-out over the last months. And the last post was already a turning point where thing we’re going better but there where good days and dark days following each other up. I wrote at that moment that i thought it was something that would probably stay as it is also a part of life. There are hard days and there are good days. Even when not being in a depression. Everyone has these moments only when depressed they seems harder and more intense.

Now again a few weeks later things are looking better. But I again have made some changes to my life. First of all i started running again. And although it was really hard to get myself to it….i did it. Each day i had another excuse of saying i couldn’t cause they forecasted rain or snow, the other day i had an excuse that it was already too late and i could better stay at home. So about four weeks ago i just put on my running outfit and pushed myself out of the door. It was raining hard but i couldn’t care. “Just go !”….was the only thing i could visualize. And i did go. That week i forced myself to go three times through the pouring rain and that was just the start i needed. Now it is my rhythm again and i try to run each week three times. It doesn’t bother how many miles i can run or if i can get the best time, just the exercise is perfect to clear the head and fell energized after it.

So that was a change for the good. And besides that I really have placed a strict package of rules on myself. Saying no to things i don’t feel good about or i don’t want to is one of the most important ones for me. And it works out nearly perfect as my day job has become a bit less stressy by now and the other thing was of course the designing of patterns. I felt like i had to produce on and on just to feed the demand. That feeling is gone by now luckily and i enjoy just taking an idea or a ball of yarn and see what will come forth. The pleasure is back and the Tibet Tiles was a really good start of the year to bring that joy back. Just crocheting that piece of art felt like a therapeutic way of getting my crafting back.

But by releasing the pattern I also had some moments of anxiety. How would it be accepted by all of you as there is more mosaic crochet then ever these days, and would i dare ? I was in a stable position at that moment but one negative feed and i knew it would get in my mind. But just doing it was also a border i had to break because living i fear makes things worse. After all things went fine, the massive explosion of comments, likes and positivity that came out of it was a real good lift for myself. But there was one message on Ravelry a day after the pattern was released. One who did let me forget all that good vibes that came out of the pattern. One message from someone who told me I was just a thief, copying stuff and taking advantage from it. And i would have done it more than once according to this person. It made me so angry cause the Tibet design is literally born out of my own hands and head. I did not take examples besides some photos from Tibet. And i shared it with important people far before it had seen daylight so i knew i didn’t have to worry about it but it got in my head and i couldn’t get it out. Of course i didn’t share it with anyone but a few days later it made me realize this was a good example to use and learn something out of it. These things happen all the time and I’m not sure but I’ll guess more designers will have to face these kind of things. So i asked myself the question why these things still upset me and control my life so much ? And if I look deep inside myself I know why because I can’t stand it when injustice is done to someone. But it also made me realize I don’t know the one who said this personally so why would it bother me ? At the same time I came in touch with one of the greatest designers and inspirations I have when it comes to crocheting and she gave me a real good advice. Write down small notes and stick them to a wall. Write down goals on each note and look at them all the time. Seeing it everyday makes me remembering more and more the goals I have to achieve. And after a few weeks things are starting to get in my head and I feel my thoughts are starting to bend in a different way when I think of things that upset me. So in the end the Tibet Tiles brought me so much more then just a wonderful pattern.

After this whole thing I felt it was time for some me-time. I wanted to crochet something for myself. And i came up with something which is really important for me. Music always gives comfort, when you need happiness or you feel sad…music feeds the soul in many ways. One of the most important things in my life as long as i can remember, but more importantly the last months is the music of Queen. And more specific Freddie Mercury. He has been an example for me for a long time. It was a man with good and bad habits, not perfect and surely he could have done some things in a better way. But who doesn’t ? More important is his courage to show the world what he could accomplish by his talent and showing off he dared to be different. These last two things are the greatest example for me. I try to show off men can also crochet to all of those who still feel it is more a women’s thing. And i try to show off that if you’ll let your creativity loose you can reach and make out wonderful things. And maybe I do understand Freddie better now as the dark side of life was something he also had to face due his last years. Anyway, it was no hard choice to make him out of yarn as a tribute. And it just came out. I really didn’t think too much about it and just did it. And i was almost emotional when i saw his face come to life in my living room. By the time it was finished i felt i had Freddie besides me watching at me with his sparkling eyes and big mustache.

But….I wasn’t the only one who liked this crocheted Freddie a lot. You all overwhelmed me with such kind words. I really had no idea this would be so well accepted. And there was a large amount of questions to release this into a pattern. Although I really didn’t feel like doing this as it was a personal thing for me I also didn’t want to hold this back for anyone who would feel the same about Freddie as I did. So I wrote it down but it was a huge thing to do. And to come to the essence of my story….i didn’t say no again. And I was punished for it again. It wasn’t really that I had to say no to making a pattern but more the fact that I wanted to please anyone who was craving for this pattern. I shove all things aside and the pattern was my priority case. And with that I crossed the borders of my physical body, my wall of notes full of goals I have to achieve and my stable, mental being for now. But at the moment I rush myself in such a thing I don’t realize it, it comes a few days after. When it happens it feels like all energy is drained out and it is getting darker around me.

It is something I really have to also find balance in these kind of things. Dealing with these kind of things are getting more easy as I reboot myself faster than before by keeping my exercises, adding a new note to my wall and try to take a lesson out of it instead of feeling myself worthless. So I started on the next design but with another mindset. Work on it when it feels right and publish it when I feel like I want to.

Of course it is easier said then done as when I post some updates on the social media of how this pattern goes, people ask when it will be ready. And that is totally fine cause I love it when people like it so much they even want to make it. But for myself I normally get the thought out of it I have to speed up things to not let anyone wait for it. So at the moment it is more of a lesson to test myself not to be influenced by that kind of questions. I work on the Stonewashed version of this pattern as well and once it is finished the pattern will be as good as ready. But as you can read these weeks,months and year still are full of learning and getting myself to a better self. The edge of having balance is still so thin and vulnerable and I still have to maintain myself on many levels. But it is also fine to say I have grown already a lot. I have made steps and if I look back on the wasted state of being last year I feel like another person already. And I feel others notice it as well. But I just say out loud…although the outside looks better…the inside is a work in progress. It keeps getting better but I feel like it could take this whole year before I can say I’m in my best shape. And that’s fine for now.

I will write down my progress once in a while as I noticed there are a lot of people following this subject. Many have reached out privately to tell me they had a same kind experience or state, knowing what it is like. Or some tell me they find it a comfort to read there not the only one who have these kind of feelings. And that gives me strength and motivation. It is good to know I open up subjects that are more of a closed book in our big world. For myself, but also for others. For now, enjoy your day and enjoy the beautiful things like the sun, new life around you that is starting to grow or take a nice ball of yarn and take your comfort out of it.